


The Illyrian Bake Off

by MadreJoshua



Category: Guilty Gear
Genre: Bake Off, Baking, Crack, Fluff, Heavy Political themes, M/M, Malewife answer, Post Xrd atleast, Post-Canon, Slayer being useless, Slice of Life, canon catholic saint naruto, dad faust, looking up song lyrics for the sake of being canon compliant, possibly out of character nagoriyuki because strive isn't out yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29950593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadreJoshua/pseuds/MadreJoshua
Summary: Every year, the country of Illyria holds their Yearly Bake Off.In groups of three, people from all over the world compete to be the best  "Baker" in all of Illyria.Most however, aren't in it to prove their own culinary skills, but rather after the reward: Each of the three winners get to declare onenew law in Illyria.With this goal set, many dubious characters wish to win the bake off themselves...
Relationships: Answer/Chipp Zanuff, Dizzy/Ky Kiske, Faust/slayer, Slayer/Faust
Kudos: 9





	The Illyrian Bake Off

**Author's Note:**

> This is fucking stupid, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyways.

"Welcome everybody to GNN Merry News, both our regular viewers and first time watchers, to Illyria's yearly bake off! I am John Newsreporter, reporting the news." John Newsreporter reported, reporting on the news.  
Today was the day everybody had been waiting for since last the last time it happened: The largest bake off known to the world, the Illyrian Bake Off. Both professional bakers, as well as hobby bakers and just general weirdos, which is the third crowd the event seemed to attract every year, gather every June 16th in the capital of Illyria to answer the question that has plagued humanity since its very inception: Who around here actually knows the difference between a cake and a gateau.  
"To those of you who are not our regular viewers, let me explain what occurs today." John Newsreporter stated, reporting to first-time viewers what the narrative had just explained, however elaborating on it further, justifying his continued existence.   
"The rules are very simple: Bake something that vaguely constitutes as baking goods, or food in general for that matter, and present it to the three judges. Regularly they consist of Ky Kiske, first King of Illyria, Leo Whitefang, second King of Illyria and Daryl Darylian, third King of Illyria and pudding connoisseur. Due to...circumstances that we weren't allowed to report on, Mr. Darylian is unfortunately unable to attend this year. Instead, his spot will be taken by Miss Dizzy. Her identity is quite a mystery; she seems to be an acquaintance of the two kings and helped out during the latest Gear Incident, but no one seems to know anything else about her. If you would like to hear our experts opinion on it, remember to tune in to GNN Merry News tonight at..."   
John Newsreporter then proceeded to ramble on in an attempt to promote the networks talk shows, before continuing to distribute actually relevant information to the viewers. "Where was I... Yes, the contestants who, participate in teams of three, present their dishes to the three judges and whoever can manage to vow their hearts successfully will be crowned the winners. The winners are allowed to choose between a large sum of Platinum Dollars or the right to declare one new law per person. To some, this may seem like an ineffective way to run a country, but to Illyria, it is a proud tradition for life to be decided by baking contests which barely qualify as baking contests. Now dear viewers, let us go around the different tables and check up on some of the contestants this year!" John Newsreporter finished reporting, making a subtle hand motion towards the camera man, Jim Cameradude, telling him to cut the feed for now.   
The team of two stood on the balcony of the Castle of Silver Feet, the second most unfortunately named castle in all of Illyria. From there, the two could see the vast green field in front of the castle on which the soldiers of Illyria had prepared multiple different small outdoor kitchens. It was hard to make out any details from the balcony the GNN duo stood on, but even from up here they could tell that the weirdos that attended the event this year were more unusual than the usual unusual crowd.

While the two of them climbed down from the balcony, the teams down in the contestant area were squaring off with each other just as much as they were with the other teams.  
"Mr...Nagoriyuki? Apologies, I am not certain how to properly address you, your name tag does not seem to have a last name..."Answer asked the tall vampire apologetically with a faint air of hypocrisy, coming from a man similarly lacking a last name.  
"Ah. Nago is fine." The man who was equal parts vampire and samurai began to answer. "We're here to grace the kingdom of Illyria with the glory of Japanese Cuisine, such as the Onigiri, which contains..." he continued on, a small smirk on his face as he was about to elaborate on the ingredients within one of his favorite dishes.  
"Yes, it is specifically about that Mr.Nago. I...am not quite sure if Onigiri actually qualifies as "Baking Goods", so, as good as it may be, I am not sure if we could actually win this contest..." Answer said as politely as he could. He was an expert in foreign affairs, even now he was multitasking, texting the leader of Zepp with one hand, inviting him to have brunch with Chipp and the leader of China.   
"Nonsense Answer!" Chipp chimed into their conversation, walking over to Nagoriyuki, to whom he barely measured up to the always exposed vampire tit. "Nago-dono here is an expert of Nippon Culture. As we all know, Japanese food is a delicacy that has unfortunately become much less common ever since the beginning of the crusades...and it will be the three of us to reintroduce it to the current world!" The former delinquent turned president proudly stated as the samurai like vampire put his hand around his shoulder.  
"Indeed. I was devastated to find that most restaurants nowadays do not even serve sushi any longer. It is something that the three of us can and will fix, I swear so by my honor as a samurai." Nagoriyuki stated, sounding undeadly serious.  
Answer let out a small sigh through his red mask that hid the lower part of his face. Originally the law ninja had agreed to join Chipp in his venture to join the Illyrian Bake Off when he heard of the reward, which he intended to use to further his own nations standing as a real country. Silly as it may seem, sometimes Realpolitik involves baking. What it also includes, which Answer had not considered first, was a third member in said politically charged bake off.   
The two had arrived in Illyria, lacking a third member and were at first denied entry in the contest, until they happened upon a giant man writing Haiku in the shade. After Chipp had fawned over meeting a real samurai for twenty two minutes, his irresistible charisma convinced the tall man to join their endeavor to further their countries influence (as Answer put it) and the reintroduction of delicious Japanese food to the public (as Chipp put it). The lawmaking Ninja adjusted his three glassed glasses, making them flash with a determined light. It had cost 20,000 Platinum Dollars to add that feature to his glasses, but Chipp considered that an acceptable use of their countries budget.   
"Very well gentlemen. Roll out the rice on our board. We have a bake off to win."

Over at the next table over, there was a similar argument over what the team was to actually bake for the bake off.   
"Ram, I don't think a hamburger counts as a pastry..." Elphelt said with worried words. Her blonde sister shook her head.   
"I do not see any reason why a hamburger does not qualify as baking goods. The bread that makes up its buns are made of dough. They are baked within an oven. If a bagel constitutes as baking goods at a bakery, a hamburger does too." She bluntly stated, entirely convinced that a hamburger qualifies as pastry.  
"Oookay...I guess I can sort of see your logic, but...why can't we do a wedding cake?! This is like, the biggest bake off of the YEAR! There is nothing more fitting for such an event as a twelve tier wedding cake! It'll be as big as me and I'm very lovely...I'm lovely, right Ram?"   
"Sure."   
"And, that's why we should make a wedding cake!" Elphelt said in the voice of a woman that thought that this was a good reason to make a wedding cake.   
"Your logic has one fatal flaw El. I have concluded that the grandest achievement humanity has reached in their thousands of years of existence has been the Danny Missiles Hamburger. If we wish to win this contest, the safest and most logical decision would be to make the best dish there is. Which is the Danny Missiles Hamburger." Ram stated with as much deadpan enthusiasm as she stated almost everything.  
The bunny-eared Valentine that opposed her idea began to pout at her sister. She wanted to argue against her, but couldn't think of anything that would convince her sister to back off from her hamburger idea. That's when the third member of their team that had stood beside them in silence so far, spoke up, intending to grace them with his wisdom.   
"Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. "Sin said, failing to grace them with his wisdom.   
"We're listening Sin." Ram chimed in.  
"Twelve. Tier. Hamburger. Wedding. Cake." The quarter gear punctuated each of his words with emphasis, as if he had dropped the dopest revelation upon his two best friends, a bright smile on his stupid puppy face. The two Valentines stared at him in stunned silence for seventeen point five seconds before answering him in unison.  
"Perfect."

"..."  
"..."  
"So...do any of y'all know what baking powder is?" The sunglassed cowboy asked, breaking the tense silence held up between the goth and jock gears. The third team in this smaller clusterfuck we call Illyria's Bake Off contained within the larger clusterfuck we call life, was made up of Johnny Jellyfish, leader of the Jellyfish pirates and Dad of Dizzy, Sol Badguy, Flame of Corruption, Freddy Mercury Kinnie and Dad of Dizzy, and lastly Testament, known antisocial mall goth, MCR fan and Dad of Dizzy.   
The team of ripped dads was not an alliance formed by choice, but one by force. The one force that rendered them all powerless: Their shared daughter asking them very nicely. Neither Gear had originally planned to join the bake off, however after Dizzy asked them, neither could find it in themselves to refuse her request...neither could they refuse her request to team up, thought Sol certainly tried. After being dragged back by the scruff of his neck by Necro like a cat would drag her kitten back to the litter, Sol agreed to team up with Testament.   
Johnny however, joined as the third Dizzy Dad more by chance than intent. He had managed to rack up quite the gambling debt. Originally he had intended to ask Ky if he could borrow a few grand, but realized he'd have to listen to Ky if he did that, so he instead chose to ask his wife. Dizzy suggested then, that he should team up with her other two dads to win the Illyria Bake Off. At that point, he was hard-pressed to refuse her and still ask for money, without looking like a huge jackass that is. So, somewhat unwillingly, he agreed to play along, teaming up with the two gear dads to form Team Dizzy Dads.  
"Ah shit. No, Johnson, or whatever you're called, I don't know what a baking powder is. I got a minor in chemistry, not baking." Sol said, sighing heavily.   
"Ain't that the same thing but with fancier 'n harder to pronounce words?" Johnny asked, a wide grin on his face. Oh, he knew that their team was incredibly screwed, but maaaybe he could still get a little bit of cash if he at least made it look like they tried.   
"Indeed, Flame of Corruption. The man of the sea is right; if you have knowledge of chemistry, you should have no trouble figuring out how to turn this flour into a base for our cake...is it not so?" Testament asked in a sardonic tone.  
"Hey listen up scythe for brains, the Junkyard Dog can cook you just as well as it can cook food, so watch your tongue." Sol threatened, pulling out his oversized lighter sword from behind his back.   
Testament manifested his blood red scythe out of nowhere, while a black bird landed on the brim of Johnny's head, observing the tense gear standoff. Johnny could cut the tension in the air with his katana, but he knew that if anything like that happened, this bake off would turn into a bigger mess than it already was. So he tried his best to diffuse the situation. "Babe, you know real well how to handle that scythe, would you mind helping me cut these onions?" Johnny asked, pointing a finger gun at testament.   
The pale gear was so perplexed by Johnny's remark; his malice towards Sol was broken in an instant. "I...what...?" The confused goth gear responded, which brought the Flame of Corruption to chuckle heartily.  
"And you, babe 2." Johnny said, finger gunning over to Sol with his other hand. "You're an expert with fire. How about you preheat the oven for me?" He smirked cockily at Sol. All the ladies loved it when he pulled out his famous "Babe Smirk", at least the ones that didn't instantly smack him across the face did.   
"Hey Test. You wanna put our feud off for a bit? I think we got...bigger fish to fry right now."Sol said, cracking his knuckles.  
"I believe you're right, Flame of Corruption. Let's..." The bird sitting on Johnny's head was beginning to caw menacingly as the gears homed in on the water cowboy.   
"Hey, hey now fellas. Y'all wouldn't beat up a fella on his birthday, right? I'm just a lil birthday boy fellas. Y'all wouldn't smack a birthday boy, right?" Johnny exclaimed, nervously waving his hands as he felt himself back up against the oven.  
"Your birthday is in October, Johnny." Testament stated blunty.  
"Aww babe, you remembered!" Johnny said, doubling down on the Babe Smirk strategy. Unfortunately for him, strategies that failed to work on women, also didn't work on very angry Gears.

"Ah, how uncivilized." Slayer stated, taking a long drag from his pipe. The vampire seemed bothered by the dying screams of a horny cowboy coming from one cooking station over to the right.   
"Please ignore them, we have our own dish to worry about. Zappa, what shall I add next?" Faust asked, turning his bagged head to his cooking assistant.  
"Let's see, the next page states we should add two eggs and dkjfT̛͉͎̬̼͙͍͢͜H̶͎͈̗͘͞E̛̞̪̻̝̫̪̝̤͡ͅ ̘̥̻̼̹̝S̸͚͉̲̲̩̞̰O͚̬̫̻͖͞U̖̖̹͉͘͞L̳͙̫̜̬͝ͅS̞͖̺͚̟̘̝̯͇ ̮̝̖̼̼̗O̤̼̦̩F̛̩̬̪̱̜̙͈ ̵͏͖̟̞̦͓̼͍̱T͚̠̖̱͕̰̩̕H̸̢͈̞̳̦͟Ę͓̝̻̪͚̻͙͖̪̕ ̟̞̘͓̯̕I͏̫͝N͎̱͎̙N̢͈̠͍̥͟O̶̢̡͖̠̥̣̠̺C̴̗̖͝E̙̮̗͖̠̙̗N̘͍̥̟̤̳T̰̖͍̥ͅ" Zappa answered, starting to spin his head midway through the sentences by 726° degrees with every word.   
"No Zappa, we've been over this. Your soul is not a valid cooking ingredient. Please don't put it into the batter." Faust said, gently patting the shoulder of his adopted sorta son, sorta patient, sorta rat he has to take care of so he doesn't explode, before turning over to Slayer. "Now, would you kindly help us, Mr. Slayer? I believe my assistant is a little...occupied inverting his spine right now." Faust asked, turning his own head a similar number of degrees as Zappas, only with less ghostly possessions involved.   
"My dear doctor! I am helping. In this very moment, I am thinking up a haiku that would most perfectly capture the work of art you create...if I were to bake myself, humanity would lose out on a valuable piece of art. You see, haiku and baking has been inherently linked for ages..." Slayer closed his eyes before looking down at his cross-shaped tie, beginning to narrate his own little story about that time he and his other son Nagoriyuki went to Japan and had a baller time together. Faust was more concerned between stirring the batter of his definitely Normal Cake and un-fucking Zappa’s general state of being than listening to Slayers story of how he and his weeaboo son partied their way through Japan. The tall, licensed to bake but unlicensed to doctor doctor took a deep breath as he patted Zappa’s head, trying to calm the vomiting blood boy down, while also cracking two eggs at the same time with his other hand. This was going to be a difficult operation, even for him.

"GAAAAH! I don't see why you're putting this much effort into this Venom! We're the only people around here that run an ACTUAL bakery! I don't even know how the rest of these clowns were let in here from their clownish clown tent!" Robo-Ky cried out as his partner in thyme.   
"That is precisely why I am doing this Robo. We are not going to win this because we are bakers, we are bakers because we will win this." Venom stated quite seriously, not giving the disembodied metal head as much as a glance as he measured the height and length of the dough in front of him using a measuring tape. "Yes, I do believe this consistency is perfect. Now, the oven should be finished preheating soon, then I'll..." Venom quietly mumbled to himself, his out quiet thought process interrupted by the robots shrill voice.  
"Hey bread for brains, I'm talkin' to ya! You may be a baker, but this is a TEAM effort! Just cause the bakery runs on your name don't mean you get to ignore your partner in thyme! "Venom grimaced and was about to chide Robo-ky for his incessant, thought breaking comments, when he paused.  
"What...did you say at the end?" The ex-assassin asked, sounding quite perplexed.  
"Uh... Partner in Thyme? Get it? It's like partners in crime, but we run a bakery together and thyme is used to bake sometimes." Venom had taken another few seconds before he reacted, seemingly needing a moment to comprehend a pun that bad. However, instead of telling him off, he broke out into loud laughter, laughter loud enough for the masked doctor the next table over to give him a confused glance as he performed an exorcism mid dough kneading.   
"Oh. Oh, that's perfect. Partners in Thyme. You crack me up, Robo. Hahaha." Venom laughed heartily out loud.   
"You mean, like an egg?" This second remark only caused the assassin turned baker to laugh even harder, his tall chef hat almost falling off his head.   
"I don't understand how you find my puns so funny. Yeah, they come from me and are therefore instantly hilarious, but I've never met a man who quite lost his shit as hard as you have when you hear them." Robo said nonchalantly. Venom, having managed to calm himself down a little, goes back to eyeing up the dough, now keeping up conversation with his partner, however.   
"Yes...I do not quite understand it myself, but there is simply something...humorous about your wordplay. Perhaps its due to me not being used to humor and not having much affinity for it or experience with it, but your way with words... it can certainly bring about much laughter, at least within me." He stated earnestly as he picked up the dough, preparing to put it into the oven.  
"Well...no matter how much I crack ya up Venom, you're still doing pretty good compared to our third teammate." Robo-ky remarked, glancing over at a shard of rock lying on the kitchen counter. It was the shape of an arrow and belongs, or perhaps "belonged" to a bedded boy the two once knew. They were able to enter as a team of two, using the bedrock as a third candidate, due to the rulebook never stating that all three members of the cooking team need to be alive.   
"I...am still surprised they let us do that." Venom remarked, glancing over to the fragment himself.   
"Eh, if these guys let a dog play basketball, they can let a rock win a bake off." Robo-ky said, before a loud DING emitted from his head.   
"Ah, is it done?" Venom asked, closing the oven and pulling a hard-boiled egg out of Robo-kys mouth. Clearly, this team had their shit together the most out of all the candidates.

So, the bake off continued on, for about an hour. Each team worked hard on their personal masterpiece, each of them having an agenda of their own. Team Japan wanting to bring about a cultural revolution, Team Valentine wanting to show everyone something really cool, Team Dizzy Dads growing closer (beating the shit out of Johnny), Team Cryptid trying to god knows what and team Gay Bakers wanting to get closer to their goal of getting Robo-Ky a body of his own.  
Once the competition had only five minutes left, the teams began to put the finishing touches on their creations.  
"Yes. I do believe that this is perfect." Nagoriyuki stated, nodding in a state of pure satisfaction at the result of Chipps, Answers and his own work. There were three identical plates in front of them. A single riceball (Provided by Nagoriyuki) was presented on a white plate (Provided by Chipp), surrounded by incredibly colorful japanese candy of different types, from self-made pocky, over to hand crafted Konpeito and a beautiful arrangement of Mochi (All provided by a very frenzied Answer).   
"Chipp, I must say, we have done an excellent job." Nagoriyuki said, putting his hand on Chipps shoulder and looking down into his eyes with approval. Chipp looked like a small child, which had just unwrapped its present of the entire first season of Naruto on blue-ray on a christmas morning.   
"Mr.Nago-dono-sama, I am so incredibly happy to have the approval of a real Samurai-no-Bushido!" the ninja president stated, wiping a tear from his eye.  
"Well...we can work on your proper use of honorifics another day. For now, we shall present our dish to the judges. Will you follow me, Zanuff?" The tall man who was equally vampire and Samurai asked as he picked up the dish and began to carry it to the judges table, Chipp following after him like a small excited animal, while Answer had passed out on the kitchen table from exhaustion, right after confirming that Gabriel would be bringing Potemkin to join them in their brunch meeting.

"Yo. This is the best thing ever!"   
"Affirming. Within the things that currently exist in this dimension, this is the best one."   
"It's...It's beautiful!"   
Those were the words that team Illyria collectively shouted out as they finished their work of art/crime against nature. Despite all odds, somehow the trio had managed to create a burger/wedding-cake amalgamation that managed to be not Elphelt’s, but nigh Faust’s height. From the very top, decorated with two brides on the bun, over to levels that were made up of tomatoes with frosting on them, salad with whipped cream adorning it, down to the world’s largest patty which was adorned with gingerbread men for some ungodly reason, the beast they had created was a thing of grotesque beauty, an object that went against any and all rules and conventions of the art of baking, that was...The Valentine Burger Wedding Cake.   
"Oh, it's so pretty...I could cry...I will cry...!" Elphelt exclaimed, wiping a single tear from her eye.   
"Great! Now, how do we transport it over to the judges?" Sin asked. His question was met with a quiet silence, as none of the three had thought that far ahead.   
"...We could ask them to come over here?" Ram suggested quietly.

Over at Team Dizzys Dads, Sol and Testament stood over the crumpled remains of the horniest pirate in all the seven seas.  
"...You think he's dead?"  
"Nah, I can see he's still breathing."  
"It appears we have only five minutes left until the end of the competition Sol."  
"...You wanna get on my bike and go grab some Danny Missiles burgers and pass them off as our own?"  
"Sol, I do not think that Hamburgers qualify as pastries..."  
"You got a better idea, Test?"  
"...Let's go."

Over at Team Cryptids, Slayer had a look of smug self-satisfaction on his face as he put down the pen. "Ah. Perfect. Pure, Passionate Perfection. This Haiku would be worth a Haiku on its own...Perhaps I should start on that..." Slayer mused to himself as he watched Faust place a small sugary cross in the middle of the cake. It was a gateau adorned with strawberries all over, yet the actual pastry part of it were a sickening green that seemed to emit an ominous glow, as if it was possessed...which may not be entirely inaccurate. Faust had to put the ghost he exorcized out of his boy somewhere...and the cake made for a convenient container. Now, some may see an ethical dilemma in serving people ghost cake, Faust made sure to put enough Anti Ghost Medicine into the cake that it wouldn't kill anyone who ate it. Probably. Either way, he'd probably be losing his baking license as well today, but what matters most is that he had a fun afternoon with his son who is currently passed out on the floor.   
"Hmm...Zappa has been put to bed, the ghost has been contained and the cake has been finished...yes, I believe that should be all. Mr.Slayer, may I hear your haiku now? I am curious how you would describe this process I've gone through." The tall doctor said, slightly tilting his head in curiosity, slightly elongating his neck as to catch a peak at the haiku within Slayers hand.   
The vampire was faster however, quickly pulling the haiku close to his chest. "Now now doctor...you musn't spoil your appetite by reading it now. You'll be sure to hear it when I read it out to the judges. One musn't read a haiku before the presentation. It's bad luck." Slayer said, a certain air of sophistication in his voice as he scooped up the cake with his other hand. Faust gave the passed out Zappa a piggyback ride as they made their way to the judges table.

"Twelve...thirteen...fourteen. Perfect." Venoms face contorted into a smile of satisfaction, an expression that was much too rare for the experienced baker. He seemed entirely satisfied with his work, a beautiful chocolate cake, tufts of frosting surrounding the edges, perfectly symmetrical from every direction. Truly, this was a cake that was just as satisfying to look at, as it would be to eat.   
"Neat. So we done here?" Robo-ky asks, a propeller popping out from the top of his head.   
"Yes, I do believe so. I shall carry the cake over to the judges, please be a dear and carry our teammate. Thank you." Venom stated, leaving with the cake before giving Robo-ky a chance to respond. The heads LED light eyes glanced back and forth between the bedrock shard and his own lack of hands, before letting out a waft of hot air, this time in the form of a sigh instead of words.

Now the time had come, day and night, mostly day actually, only day actually, the contestants had worked on their culinary goods, ready to present it to the three judges which shall decide who will be this year’s winner of Illyria's bake off. The judges table was a wide one, covered with a white cloth, three grand seats placed next to each other on one side.  
Ky Kiske, King of Illyria sat in the middle. He looked a little anxious, due to the direction the judges faced, he was unable to watch any of the baking going on behind him...but he was certainly capable of hearing Zappas screams of unimaginable pain and also whatever was happening to Johnny, neither of which made him particularly looking forward to this years dishes. Besides him sat his wife Dizzy Kiske. She put one of her hands over Ky's, giving her husband a kind smile.   
"It'll be fine, I'm sure. You've made it through the contests before this one, right? I'm sure you'll be capable of handling this one as well dear." Ky let out a heavy sigh and smiled back at his wife.   
"Thank you Dizzy...with you by my side, I can withstand anything." At that moment, the second King of Illyria placed his hand upon Ky's other hand.   
Leo leaned in, whispering into Ky's ear. "I'm gonna do so much better at cake eating than you bambino. I'm gonna kick your cakey ass Bambino. You're gonna get owned at cake."

First, was Team Japan. The samurai would've towered over all the judges, something that wouldn't have changed even if they hadn't been sitting down. He placed each of the plates in front of the judges, all three of them eyeing up the dish with interest as Nagoriyuki watched them with clear pride.   
"Aww...They're adorable. Dear, do you see this? They drew tiny eyes on the mochi with frosting." Dizzy seemed quite enamored with the dishes cute appearance. It made Ky sigh in relief. So far, this year’s bake off wasn't going too badly. All three judges cleaned their plates in a very short amount of time, all seemingly satisfied with what they had received.   
"Hmm...Its taste was quite exquisite, and the appearance was very cute. I believe I'll be giving this dish...an 8/10." Ky stated, giving Nagoriyuki a kind smile.  
"Ky is right, all this candy...it was so sweet, I would love to try it again soon, not to mention how adorable it was...! I'll be giving you a 10/10." Dizzy said, Nagoriyuki was downright beaming with pride. Lastly, there was Leo.   
"Hm. It was certainly cute and the taste...it was a meal worthy of a king...the third king, that is. I much prefer meaty food than something so sweet. I'll rate it 4/10." Leo said, giving the samurai a metaphorical slap across the face.   
Nagoriyuki seemed ashamed, but now Chipp was the one to pat him on the back, something he had to get on tip toes for, as to not slap his ass. "Do not worry Mr.Nago-Dono-Sama. The judges seem to all have differing tastes, which means we still have a good chance to win this! As long as we believe in ourselves! " Chipp stated boldly, luckily not bursting into an outright friendship speech.  
"Yes, you're right Zanuff. " The two of them left the judges table, and as they did, Ky could swear he heard Chipp quietly mumble out about “finally canonizing Naruto as a Christian Saint." Maybe he gave the team too many points after all...  
"Next up is Team...oh no." Ky's stomach churned as he realized that next up was Team Valentine. He had dreaded what the three might come up with...but instead of coming face to face with his son and his sorta kinda sisters in law except not really, he came face to face with an Illyrian knight, who informed him that Team Valentine has been moved to the end of the list...something that only horrified Ky even more. Just what had they created that he had to try it last. Maybe if he ate enough, he could excuse himself before the end? The first King had never wished for food poisoning before in his life.

Next up was Sol, holding three brown bags, which suspiciously looked like the bag on Fausts had and even more suspiciously like the bags they served burgers in at Danny Missiles. He dropped each of the bags before the judges, who all found the insides to contain one hamburger each.   
"Sol, I don't think..." Ky began to speak, but was quickly interrupted by his father in law.  
"I know you don't Ky, shut the fuck up and eat your hamburger." Ky didn't talk back, mostly because eating an entire hamburger would make for a great excuse as to why he wouldn't be able to try whatever Sin had created. By the time he took his first bite, Leo had already scarfed down his entire burger.   
The judgement was quick to follow, first up was Ky. "Sol...I don't think that you actually made this burger...however, it was still delicious. I'll give it a 3/10."   
After him, Leo took his turn. He looked Sol directly in the eyes with a stern look. "Yo, this burger is banging. 10/!0." Sol nodded. The two men understood each other perfectly.   
Next and last was his daughter Dizzy. "Have...you, Testament and Johnny managed to get along?" She asks before giving her rating.  
Sol is hesitant to answer, rubbing his neck before grumbling out a "Yeah, I guess."   
This answer was enough to satisfy Dizzy, who spoke a small “thank you,” before stating that she would give him 8/10 points. Sol knew that he had lost to Team Japan...yet he did not seem to care. Testament was currently carrying a knocked out Johnny back to the Mayship and Sol was about to hit the hay. This was enough stupid for one day to him.

Next came one of the two men in existence that dwarfed even the earlier samurai vampire, namely the back alley doctor turned back alley baker, Faust. He held a plate with three slices of sickly green cake that seemed to emit the screams of the damned, while also carrying a young man on his back that seemed to have passed out. Next to him stood his companion Slayer, holding a piece of paper close to his chest. This was certainly...the oddest group so far to Ky. Looking at the sickly green cake, he was starting to wonder if he would prefer to try whatever Sin and the valentines came up with over this. Dizzy was about to take her first bite, when she was stopped by gentlemanly cough, which was different from a normal cough, on the basis that it came from Slayer.   
"Miss, before you consume that...may I gave you a poem?" Dizzy seemed rather confused by the notion, yet nodded, giving Slayer the go ahead.  
"Supernatural  
Faust: A doctor turned baker  
Perfection achieved"  
The judges all stared blankly at him. The silence was lasted an entire minute, until Leo broke into tears and pulled out a handkerchief, very loudly blowing his nose. Ky and Dizzy were soon to follow, bursting out into tears of joy.   
"That...it was beautiful..." Dizzy said, wiping her tears off as well.   
"Perhaps I should convert to dandyism..." Ky spoke softly, wiping his tears off on his sleeve. Slayer chuckled, knowing that this Haiku had won them the competition.   
"Ten out of ten. I...I have nothing else to say. I am stunned..." Leo stated, having not even tried his ghost cake yet.   
"Yes...ten out of ten." Dizzy added on.   
"They're right. This can only be given one rating. Namely, Ten out of..."   
"HEY INFERIOR FLESH KY COPY NERD LOSER, HOW ABOUT YOU ACTUALLY TRY THE THING FIRST BEFORE YOU GIVE IT A TEN?" The obnoxiously loud voice of cooler Ky could be heard, who was currently hovering right above Flesh-Ky. Leo faked a cough, having been pulled out of the haiku induced bliss.   
"He...is right Ky. I've given my rating already and so has Dizzy. You should at least try the actual dish." Leo said. Ky wished that cooler Ky had taken just a second longer to arrive... but unfortunately, he had no other choice but to try the ghost cake now. He took the smallest of small bites, swallowing it carefully without even chewing. It took about two seconds for Ky to storm off to the nearest bathroom, Faust hurrying after him.   
The Bake Off had to be delayed by about an hour, until Ky returned. Faust had managed to successfully stuff the ghost back into the sleeping Zappa, yet the incident still costed them the victory, Ky rating their cake with a 0/10. Faust did not seem particularly bothered by the rating however. Slayer pulled the cape off his arm, opening up his usual gateway to Villa Vampir for him and Faust.   
"I suppose, we did not win. But ah, sometimes the journey is more rewarding than the goal, right my comrade?" Slayer asked Faust, something which was met by an agreeing nod by the bagged doctor.   
"Indeed...besides, I thought your haiku was wonderful as well." With a bemused chuckle, the vampire, the doctor and the passed out Australian disappeared.

After a small break for Ky's stomach to return to this dimension, the bake off continued. There were only two teams left, the first of which was Team Robo-Venom. The former assassin placed three slices of cake in front of the judges, all of which looked like they were directly taken from a magazine advertising cake that had been heavily edited in photoshop to make them look more appealing than reality was capable of handling... yet here it was, sitting on their plates, entirely real, entirely perfect. The three judges stuck their forks in and began to eat, while Venom watched, Robo-Ky hovering next to him, a piece of rock attached to him by a string he had found.   
"While I do believe that after...that last encounter, anything would taste good to me, this was still...wonderful. You have a bakery, correct? I'll be sure to visit your establishment soon. Ten out of ten." Ky said with a gentle and serene smile on his face...as gentle and serene as he could muster at least, his stomach still vaguely churning from earlier.   
"Mmhm...! It was wonderful Mister Venom. We will both be sure to visit your bakery soon. Ten out of ten." Dizzy added on in agreement. Lastly, there was Leo. He was leaning back into his chair, measuring Venom up and down.   
"Hmph. I still do not have an affinity for the sweeter foods...yet, even I can recognize greatness when I see it, even if it is not in the mirror. Nine out of ten." He said, something that truly outraged Robo-Ky.   
"NINE?! NINE?!?!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NINE!??!" The angry robot head screeched out, hovering over to Leo, stopping in front of his plate. Leo did not flinch, staring up into Robo-ky's eyes without fear.   
"Do you take an issue with the King’s criticism, Robobino?" he asked, which was instantly met with loud contesting.   
"YEAH I DO! VENOM DID HIS VERY BEST AND CREATED A PERFECT CAKE! WHY ISN'T IT A TEN OUT OF TEN!?"   
"If you have an issue, you are free to take it up with me in private." Leo answers sternly, putting his hands on the blades resting on his hips.   
"YEAH I WILL. MEET ME IN THE PARKING LOT AFTER THIS IS OVER LION BOY I'M GOING TO SMACK YOU INTO NEXT SUNDAY!" Robo-Ky huffed hot air into the second King’s face, before hovering back to Venom, who still stood there, watching awkwardly, like a kid who's mom had just gotten into an argument with the teacher. He bowed quickly before thanking the kings and leaving.

"That...takes care of everyone, right? That last team won, we can all go home." Ky said, already getting out of his chair, when he felt Leo's hand pull him back down to the seat.   
"Not so fast, Bambino. There is still one more candidate left to judge before I throw down with Robobino in the parking lot. Your son’s work." Ky and Leo looked into each other’s eyes for a few seconds, an awkward silence ensuing. "...Leo I still need to stand up to get to their kitchen." "...Right."

The three judges walked past the different kitchen sets that had been used for this event, most of them having leftovers and remains scattered across them, two of them covered in something that looked suspiciously like blood, only to arrive at Team Valentines, met with...something. Ky couldn't believe his eyes when he came face to face with what his son had created. It was...something beyond description. It was a dish no haiku could do judgement. It looked more vicious than any gear he faced during the crusades. It looked like...a wedding cake that smelled a lot like beef?  
"Hey dad! Hey mom! Hey uncle Leo!" Sin greeted them happily, showing up from behind the cakeburger. The Valentines similarly appearing from behind it, the cake being large enough for all three of them to easily stand behind it, without even the intent of hiding themselves.  
"Hello Mr Kiske." Ramlethal greeted them in a friendly yet deadpan matter, while Elphelt pulled out a comically oversized knife, as to cut out proper pieces for all three judges.   
"S...Sin...what is that...?" Ky asked, pointing at the monster in front of him in horrified disbelief.   
"Oh that? We're kinda unsure ourselves. Ram wants to call it the Burgercake, Elphelt is for Cakeburger...personally I think the Sin Special would be a good name for it!" He said, smiling widely, exuding the exact same vibes a golden retriever would normally give off. It took Elphelt a good minute to serve each of the judges their own piece. Due to being cut from different layers, the presentation was...questionable, to say the least. On the plate it looked like just as much of a horrific mess of sugar, spice and absolutely nothing nice as it did in its full form. Meat and frosting were haphazardly meshed together in a matter which would've made lesser men faint. Luckily, Ky had been mentally prepared for it thanks to the ghost cake earlier.   
This was the moment that would decide everything. All three judges synchronously took their first bite and experienced something truly shocking. This horrifying mess of hamburgered cake tasted...good? Ky took a second bite. And a third bite. Leo began to scarf down his plate even faster than he did the Dann- Sol Missile burger from earlier. Even Dizzy ate her plate empty rather fast, going as far as to ask Elphelt for seconds. All three judges seemed to be completely enamored with this sugary crime against nature. Despite its horrifying looks and existence...it tasted really good.  
Two portions later, all three judges were ready to give their judgement. Ram stood straight, tensed and prepared for judgement. Elphelt bounced back and forth on her heels, excited to hear what they had thought of their great idea and Sin... he smiled at his parents and uncle with an expression that screamed "Yeah, I've finally found my calling in life and it's whatever that thing is I just created."  
"Sin...you're such a talented cook...! Did Sol teach you that?" His mother asked, a proud expression on her face.   
"Nnnnope! Self-taught. Honestly I just did things and it all worked out!" Sin stated, clearly quite proud of himself as well.   
"My...you should cook more often in the future, you have a lot of potential. Ten out of ten." Next up was Leo. He walked over to the Valentines and began to speak.   
"When I had first met the two of you, I distrusted you deeply. Valentines, sent by the Universal Will, bent on wiping out humanity...but now...even I cannot express properly the feelings I currently feel towards the two of you. From now on, the word "Valentine" will have the definition "The world’s greatest cooks" within my dictionary. Ten out of ten." Elphelt and Ramlethal both beamed up with happiness at Leo as he pulled the two of them into a bear hug. Lastly came Ky's judgement.   
"Well...I certainly wasn't expecting this. I did not know WHAT to expect when I heard you had entered this Sin, but...I admit, any fears I may have had, were entirely wrong. I am sorry to have doubted you. You're a wonderful cook...maybe we could cook something together in the future? You know...as father and son..." Ky asked, sounding genuinely sorry for having tried to avoid tasting Sin's food almost all day.   
"Yeah....sure. But only if El and Ram can join us too! And mom as well! And gramps!" Ky chuckled. Yeah, that was certainly a Sin type of answer.   
"Yes, that sounds good to me. Ten out of ten points. You've earned it Sin."

Like that, Team Valentine was declared the victors of this year’s Illyria Bake Off. Normally, their victory would've been broadcasted live by GNN Merry News...but unfortunately John Newsreporter and Jim Cameradude were still stuck on the balcony, having been entirely forgotten by everyone due to the balcony door closing behind them and being locked from the other side. They were eventually rescued by the janitor the following Monday.

"Now that you're the winner...which will you choose? The prize money? Or the enactment of three new laws?" Leo asked, giving the winning group a curious look. Sin, Elphelt and Ramlethal exchanged a few looks, before sticking their heads together in a circle.   
After a discussion that mostly consisted of Sin going "pspspspspspspspsp" to make it sound like they were actually discussing things, they gave their answer. All three of them wanted to each enact one new law. Leo gave them an approving look. "Very well, as it is tradition. Now, what laws do you want enacted in the entire kingdom of Illyria from now on?"  
Sin stepped forward. "I would like to make Mom’s birthday a national holiday." Leo gave him a surprised look, while Dizzy looked off to the side, clearly quite flustered. "Yeah...I didn't really have any law in mind when I entered. I went along with it cause I thought cooking something was fun and the other two wanted to enter." The quarter gear stepped back, the next to step up was Elphelt.  
"I...I want Polygamous marriage to be made legal." Leo didn't give her nearly as much of a surprised look.   
"Yeah sure, why not." He responded, which was met by an excitedly giggling Valentine, mumbling something about how she's going to marry SO many people.  
Last was Ramlethal. Everyone wondered what kind of law a girl like her might want.  
The blonde valentine stepped forward and began to speak.  
"I think dogs should be able to vote."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in the middle of a night in a frenzy for 6 hours, going to bed at 6AM after creating this.


End file.
